Things I dislike

Posted: June 16, 2015 in Dislike, Hate
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Surprises. Wars. Hypocrites. Curd. Caramel. Quotes. Naps. Deadlines. Change. Cramps. Marriage customs. Purple. Overrated human life.

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Things I like

Posted: June 7, 2015 in life, like
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Things I like:

Free will. Short hair on girls, long hair on guys. People who read and inspire others too. Vintage. Tea. Jars. Kashmir. Austria. Nepal. Smell of cigarettes. Wai Wai. Who speaks Spanish. Pizza. Thai food. Mexican food. Road trips. Glass windows. Cuddle. Smelling food. Smelling new clothes. Chanel. Beard. Pictures. Pajamas. Running. Antiques. Lana Del Rey. Tanned leather. Arundhati Roy. Saree.

Neighborhood I lived in only had trees before. Long before. Now alleys are congested with too many vehicles, high-rise buildings and water puddle. We all live in a peak moment. Living in Delhi is just impossible with pollution and traffic. I don’t remember inhaling fresh and crisp air. I now want to run to the valley and love this city from a distance because clean air is still a distant dream which remains a long way down the road.

It just got me thinking how awesome it would be if we could actually live in the tree tops. You know, building a tree house in Paradise in the middle of the jungle, overlooking the valley where you can have running water and electricity which will be provided by the nearby waterfall, a complete eco-friendly house. Don’t know how! Also, when you have to take a shower, you can take a zip line down to the river. What an awesome experience that would be. Wow.

I play with my thoughts to cut the stress and simplify my life. For a very long time like most people, I thought that we can only be happy for a reason. Then I realized that happiness is actually so simple. So simple that we miss it. Playing with thoughts actually helps. For now, all I can do is open all the windows and just let the air and the sun shine. Even if birds fly in the room, they will eventually find their way out and I won’t mind as long as I find nature in the house.

It’s been 7 long years and my heart still skips a beat when I hear you say my name. My toes fight when I yearn for you. You are but you are not. My heart is curious, eyes won’t find what they are looking for, and see how empty my cold hands are. I alone focus on the impossibility of our future more than possibility of you. You are real, so so so real. As real as the fact that you are slowly giving up on me. I then have to remind myself to breathe, literally.

I was never good enough after he discovered that I too had flaws. I, at times think how lucky I am to be with someone so perfect in so many ways while I was so “flawed”, am I? Well, that very day I forgot how to love myself. Now nothing in my life fits my definition of love. I look far and wide around myself and only see my thoughts and ideas of it.
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Wait….I lost my words or maybe I think I like being in denial.

Forever His.

You are a man who got a way with words but not with me, yet in love. Your love made the happiest and unhappiest at the same time, yet in love. You’re my dream, my own self, my all and my everything. I wish I were a poetess just so I could write poems about you or maybe a writer who could mark every move? I am a little materialistic when I need love. I don’t have any particular memory to cherish from the past neither am I precious to you, can you still love me? You are desired by me than any other person in your life right now, do you believe me? I fall for you and you fall apart every now and then. Where do I go?

Sir, my life is not all about myself. Sadly, I don’t have any control over my own life. I don’t remember you holding my hands and listening to what I have to say, stupid and sensible both. I have always listened to you and mind your sufferings just as my own. It is insane how important to me you have become now. I admire you in all kinds and again, I am closely mad about you. I am doing the best I can in my own way and it is ok to expect a bit of respect in return. I don’t want to be trashed and not be loved. You have made me weak and self-destructive. You are one distraction who is behind my own misfortunes, yet in love. How shameful is such a condition.

Did you forget the promise you made when I was last with you? I don’t know if you are coming back for me or somebody else. These long hours makes me lonely. I hardly can bear it. I have no power to correct myself anymore. And, why must one go away from what one loves-come back already, yes? I know you’re busy preparing for your sister’s wedding but when you come back, promise to be together forever. We will then escape from here where I get to watch the sun pour down like honey on your face everyday. I want to escape in your thoughts so that I get to walk around bold and fearless. I want to travel. Travel with me, please.

Doing this same thing everyday isn’t living. I want to know how is it actually like to be somewhere with you, hear the nature and get butterflies in my stomach that feels like WOW, “I am actually here”. I want to know all of your moves. Lets go live in a hill-top cottage overlooking the sky because I feel ugly when you are not around. I wasn’t someone who’d run after perfection but you made me so and this is not healthy. I am in love with you but not with my life. Take me somewhere. It would be perfect to be out in nature with the man I love and worship. Think of being comfortable together in silence when we walk. When I’ll be lost in my own thoughts, I’ll care to share it with you, I promise. We will rent cycles in the hills and have local food under a tree. When we come back, read some poetry for me, will you? Till then, be good and be yourself until we see one another. I shall then love you more than ever.

A Girl Can Dream

Posted: March 20, 2014 in Farm, Kashmir, Love, Nepal, Women
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Quacking ducks shaked the calmness and tranquility in my farm. It reminded me of the life you all are living, life which you are forced to live, life where only the fittest can survive. Glad that their stay in the pond is temporary just like how this adobe is not permanent for us humans. We always wanted to live outside of a city where we could grow our own food and have as many animal friends as we want. I have that all. Alhamdulillah. Can I tell you about a few more things that I enjoy here before I hibernate into his arms?

We met when we were 17 and got married after we turned 27. Owning a farm had always been his calling. He never said yes to any corporate office job only to regret it after ten years. He invested all his time and energy for something that he always wanted. Its really really sad that people all around the world give away a thought or a dream for a job that doesn’t make them happy. Sad. You people are stuck in traffic, trying to attend your lecture in a college or running late for some stupid meeting but what is this hassle for? Money? Paycheck? So you buy things that you don’t really like, things that are not fulfilling you? My man keeps me close to this earth, he is beautiful. My heath and happiness is his priority. Animals in our farm are always free of their cages, they feel secure and most importantly happy. Goats, sheep and cows are always grazing and running around… We have an orchard with the best fruit you can ever imagine. Figs, peaches, plums, apricots, apples, cherries, strawberries, grapes -you name it and we have it all for you.

We have 15 other people from Nepal and Kashmir living with us like our own family who help us make and maintain a nice positive atmosphere together. I still remember when we were in school and college, I used to brag about how good I am at recognizing plants and now I know why and where was that leading to. I am good with plants and so is he. I’ll tell my kids this is what this plant looks like, this is how you grow it and this is what you eat. I will keep my kids away from junk and fast food and preservatives. And lots more!!!

We are lazy on Sundays. I wake up merged in nature, enjoying the sunrise on my right and his beautiful face of my left. Bliss. I look past the colorful birds by my room sized glass window and find horses gazing around every morning. I wake up, tie my hair into a messy bun, myyeatt he calls it and go downstairs to make chai for us. He then starts his day walking in the woods and attending to the farm on his horse. I spend my afternoon watching him read books on a hammock. We cook our dinner together from the fresh veggies we grow, listening to “Woh jo humme tumme qaraar tha” by Beghum Akhtar and make chai again before I surrender myself to him. Bliss

She’s busy preparing for her brother in laws wedding in the valley. “Time is flying past” she says to herself. She managed to cook everything all by herself, including his favorite, “Keemarela” they call it. It’s made by stuffing the karela with minced mutton, stitching it back delicately with a thread and then cook them. Yum. It tastes good, but she isn’t satisfied, she just wants it to be nothing short of perfect. She has another go using all her energy. Eh, cooking minced mutton is not so easy. Hugga came running to her and starts licking her feet. He is a beautiful Golden Retriever they recently got. She screamed, not that she was scared but to see him inside the kitchen. Islam forbids keeping dogs. She hid Hugga inside her dupatta and makes way to the backyard and left him unattended under a blue tent right above where the strawberries were planted. The kennel was yet to be made.

She saw ripened tomatoes and plucked some, tilled and ploughed sides, watered plants, took out unwanted weeds and went inside. “Why are you hands soiled”, he asked. “I am yours”, she replied. She then cleaned herself and the kitchen and kept all of her dishes aside, neatly lined up for the evening. Relatives were coming over for Iqrams wedding. “Khinaaaaaa chai pilao”, said Ammiji. Her family just cant do without chai, dal and tsott. Everyone sat in the circle on the floor to enjoy it. She felt complete when she saw their faces together. She called her sister-in-law to check if she had picked up her salwar and asked her to hurry home.

She ran to her room for a quick nap. Her husband ran behind her. When she was just about to lock down herself in the room, she found herself standing in front of him. Tears rolled down their faces. “You’re the most beautiful man in this earth,” she said. He held her hands and walked to the window and they watched the sun go down together. Kashmir valley looked perfect through their eyes but reality was brutal. They both wanted the sun of azadi to rise soon. She ironed his clothes and left for the shower. He helped her get ready for the wedding. “Blue suits you, you look perfect in it.” She looked at him, “Sorry Jigra, I got the wrong size. Its been long since I’ve shopped for you,” she said. She drew him close to fold his sleeves. They both looked into the mirror and said, “see how perfect we look together.”

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